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Sunday, January 09, 2005
  Rap News Movie Review: The Mis-Coonification of John Amos





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Originally uploaded by JohnRedmond.







I know you've seen the cover for this piece of sh*t on the net. I swear I thought it was a joke. But, THIS IS A REAL MOVIE. What the f*ck was John Amos thinking? Duke was Kunta Kinte, and the pops in Good Times and Coming To America yo. Those is classic but that's it, I'm calling for a full boycott on John Amos. Oh wait, no one watches anything he's in anyway. This sh*t's crazy. It's the story of the "THIEVING WELFARE COLLECTING VAGRANTS" known as the Brown family. Oldest brother (cousin?) Nicodemus, affectionately called Niccer, (former Last Comic Standing loser and future homeless man Corey Holcomb), Horny (the light-skinned dude who's never funny from BET Comicview) , Whitey (some nondescript herb that you can see buffooning all over the stage, talking about the differences between white and black people every weeknight on Comic View), Numbers (JB Smoove from Pootie Tang and The Chris Rock Show), and the twins Caprice (some chick) and Mercedes (another chick) are all played by talentless actors who will probably never work again (except on BET). The next door neighbor, WATERMELON DISTRIBUTOR Ol' man Amos (John Amos) wants the land the Browns have owned for 5 generations. Let me just include that this was supposed to be their 40 ACRES AND A MULE (sh*t, where's mine?). Yo, why they put that sh*t in there anyway? They still have the same mule from 5 generations ago. Why he even wants the land, I don't know. Anyway, while waiting on their WELFARE CHECKS the Browns discover that they're 40 YEARS BEHIND ON PROPERTY TAXES. It comes out later Amos' dog was eating the notices out the mailbox. They leave for the big city to get jobs and end up staying with their PIMPIN' COUSIN JUNEBUG, who upon seeing them, immediately tries to PUT HIS 2 FEMALE COUSINS ON THE HOE STROLL. After going to the UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE, they end up working for Used Car Salesmen and GRIMY *SS ARAB (Indian) HABIB. Fast Forward- after working as DANCING CHICKENS AND GETTING PAID $450 (under the table) FOR ONE WEEK OF WORK, 2 cops see them stomping one of the heads from their chicken costume and they are ARRESTED for disturbing the peace. After getting bailed out by Cousin Junebizzle, they see a commercial about a contest for the JUICIEST WATERMELON. First prize is $25,000. Oh yeah, the watermelon will be used to make WATERMELON JUICE AFRO SHEEN. They decide to STEAL THE WATERMELON from Amos. The first time they f*ck up. On their second try AMOS SHOOTS NICCER IN THE *SS. Fast forward again- the movie ends with the Browns again sitting in their front yard waiting for their WELFARE CHECK. Instead the mailman drops off a $25,000 check which they split with Amos after finding out he entered the watermelon in the contest on their behalf. I left out a few parts that were just stupid but there you have it, the 'Feel Good F*ck*ng Hit of the Year'. I wish I made this up. If you don't believe me, buy the bootleg.

Top 10 Most Degrading Parts

  1. Niccer makes everyone call him Niccer including white people.
  2. Horny humps everything, his cousins, a wheel barrow and a chicken head from Niccer's costume.
  3. Horny asks to keep Niccer's *ss after hearing the doctors discuss if they will amputate it.
  4. Habib makes a snide comment about black people being able to dance, which proves true when they make up a dance routine that gets Habib's business poppin'.
  5. Whitey wants to be white. He walks, talk, dresses and only dates white.
  6. The police come and Whitey runs and hides because he's having a flashback of the time he got in trouble for boning some white chick.
  7. Niccer makes a joke about Amos looking like Kunta Kinte and threatens to cut his foot off, all while brandishing a small axe.
  8. The words "Based on a John Amos Sr. True Story", are you f*ck*ng kidding me?
  9. Note: this movie doesn't even deserve me sitting here writing ths sh*t, so let me end by saying this movie is an all around f*ck up. Someone told me they tried to make fun of every stereotype, but why use BET comics to do it. These mofo's really act like this on cable everynight. John Amos should be stripped of every last NAACP Award he's ever won.

Rudy Ray Moore and Chris Rock make cameos. Chris Rock's cameo is actually just a scene with John Amos watching his old *ss comedy special Bring The Pain and him talking about how he loves black people but hates n*gg*s. Oh yeah and the two chicks on the cover aren't even the ones in the movie. What is this, a porno flick?


 
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Rap News Movie Review: The Mis-Coonification of John Amos